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Apology to everyone

Journal Entry: Sun Dec 23, 2012, 11:09 PM
I want to say im sorry. For the last couple months of me being. Of lack of a better term. unbarable.

There is something i need to let everyone know, as to why i been constantly so sensative about everything. A couple months ago i lost someone increadibly close to me. My grandmother…now i have had other family deaths yes, but i was never as close to those people as i was with her. Growing up i would in the floor of the house, right above her. i would see her every day, and we were increadibly close. With my family of very business and very catholic people, i am kinda the black sheep. being more artistic and well undefin religion wise. But she was the only one who made me not feel like a outcast among my own family, she was just as weird as i was, infact thats where i would get it from.

For the past couple years she had been sick, in and out of the hospital, all that fun stuff. she stayed optamistic, always had a smile on her face when we would come to visit, something to admire.

When she passed, i didn't know how to handle it, adn i still don't know how to feel at the moment. Its almost like a lost feeling.

Not only did i lose someone increadibly close to me, i also lost one of the few people, who i could be myself around, without fear, like i was important, could do anything..cause thats how she made it seem.

So as i was sayin, I been very easly emotional this past month, cause christmas time was always her time. she woudl go all out, it would be crazyness..but in the fun way, and just…it feels so dead now. To me, the colors arnt as bright, the music isn't cheery…the joy is just..not there for me. So the past month has been hard and i can mix all my emotions into one big brew of madness. cause i bottle them all up.

So if i have been a obnoxious emotional head case as of latley. I am sorry for that. its noones fault by my own.

I just don't know how to fix it, or myself.

  • Mood: Neglect
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Ask-Mocho Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012
Oh Aly..I can relate and I understand where you are coming from. I'm very sorry for your grandmother, and my prayers go out to you. The only good advice I have really is to take it one step at a time. It's alright that you are rather sensitive right now, you have a right to be. I think maybe you should take a break and just let all of your feelings out, perhaps that may make you feel a bit better?

I know I'm not much help, but I just want you to know one thing: You are a wonderful person, and no matter what your family may think, you're absolutely original and amazing. I hope everything gets better for you :iconsupertighthugplz: And again, I'll keep you and your grandmother in my prayers))
I suspect that we've all encountered losses this year, if not familial then in some other way. Many of us can relate to you and hopefully should be very forgiving, though personally you've been pretty cool throughout this year like the epic boss that you are, Blu. I hope that in time you can manage to sort your life out in the wake of her death.
My Grandfather (on my father's side) died on the 18th of February of this year after fighting Alzheimer's for roughly ten years. After its onset kicked into high gear, it was pretty tough to maintain a relationship with him (at which point he couldn't barely), but I try to treasure what little memories I have of him before the disease set it. I was maybe eight when he started to fade, so its difficult to sift through the foggy mist of my childhood. But he was precious to me and though I felt a little disconnected near the end, it still hurts sometimes, even now.
What I'm trying to get is that you need not feel alone in this. If you ever want to share more or chat with someone about this online, feel free to talk about it with your friends on here about it if you haven't already. I'm sure they'll be plenty understanding~<3
RGSnowBellz Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012
(( I know you don't know me very well but if you need someone to talk to I will listen because I know how you feel, I have lost two people before and just after Christmas, who were most dear to me, and who I miss very much and when I lost them I didn't know what to think or feel. so I know it will take awhile to get used to it so just take your time and try not to bottle up your emotions, it's good to let them out, other wise it can become harder for you when you look back and think about all the good times you had. I'm not religious or anything but I'm sure where ever she is now she would want to see you smiling and doing your best, and you've got a lot of friends who are here for you when you need them :) ))
Ask-Scarlet-the-vamp Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
(( irl i lost my grandmother when iwas three. I am totally depressed by that to this very day. and ik how you feel. I too am the outcast of my family. best singer , best drawer , yet totaly non sociable and well just a creepy geek most people call me weird.. the only friends i have in school are Chris and Kayla. Chris is my only crush but he is for someone else. Kayla trys to keep me up from breaking down but i cannot help it. My life has been a complete wreak. I have 1 mom whos mostly away. 1 Dad who dosnt cook. and 1 stepmom. Mostly my stepmom cares for me , teaching me how to cook and clean and what i should wear. Shes also been trying to get me to loose some pounds *.-.* which i cant. Im 120 pounds and only 11. Most of my friends. scratch that , ALL of my friends and that i know are skinny. I know i have more potential but its hard to at these conditions. I mainly eat the cafateria food , PB&J's pizza , and mcdonalds. I have had glasses since the 2nd grade because of stareing at a computer screen for 5-6 hours every day. I wouldn't be like this if i had never gotten my first webkinz . i wouldnt know DA or Roblox ... or even clubpenguin * note - yes i still play that sometimes ._. * I barely have any family that i know. Most are where i am in my state , and one part of my family is in florida. Our family is falling apart one by one and half of them i dont even know. My dad is always protecting me and i barely get to go to the park to play like a normal child. I hate cobwebs and bees * no offence to you i just dont like the stinging part .-. * because of a horable backstory that i had since i was 5 . Im afraid stuff will colapse and of hight. And when someone picks on me i eather cry , tell a teacher , or say something till i get into trouble. I get picked on everyday by bullys and have only 2 friends in my grade. most are in 7th grade. I loose almost everything in 5 seconds.. like yesturday i lost my favorite doll i got and today almost lost my ipod. I dont think this is luck. I think its because god hates me. I believe in him and all - i even have the bible - yet i never was baptised. I dont know what to do to myself anymore and i sometimes cry about it. No one understands that im completely hopeless. I never had any bros or sisters. Im not sure what to do and i say im ok when im not. My life is a mess and i cant do anything to stop it.. ))
Ask-Scarlet-the-vamp Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
(( my point is your not alone. In-fact you probibly have it better , a good family , friends , and well *ahem* skinny .-. i dont have that. The 4 things that keep me going on are - Kayla , my cat , chris , and my dream. My dream is to be a singer when im older. I have a really good voice in my oppinion. I might one day put a video on youtube of me. gah getting off subject , the point is to keep going, even though my life seems pointless to me, i just pray it will be better soon. Heed my words from this. And realise that you are not alone. ))
:iconbrohugplz: It'll be okay aly, totally understandable. And you know we're here for you when and if you need us when you're down. I lost my grandma last year, and we hadn't even known she'd gotten bad again until it was too late. Just remember the good times and you'll get through it, it'll just take time. ))
MissPomp Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012
A loss is a hard thing, Aly. I can understand where you're coming from and I'm very sorry you're hurting so much. If there was a way to go and hug you and make you all better, I would totally do it. The only thing I can offer to you now, as your friend, is a ear to listen and this little bit of advice, and it's the only one that seems to work: take it one day at a time. You will hurt and maybe you'll always hurt, but each day it will become a little more easier to bare. And always remember that you do have people out there who care about you and love you and worry about you. :heart:
Ask-TheElves Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012
It's all right we all understand. Christmas was my grandfathers season too and it's hard to not have them here since they are so close. No one blames you and we are all here to listen. So for feel bad that you are emotional!))
TheGreatWarrior Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Student General Artist
((Truth is, I had a grandmother pass away a month ago, and my other grandmother has been diagnosed with cancer. I know how it feels to lose someone close. I am very sorry to hear she's now gone from your life. But I'm sure wherever she is now, she wants you to live and fight one, that's what my dead grandmother would want of me and I'm doing it. Though... with the eminent of my other grandmother, I'm really scared. I don't want to lose another grandparent.))
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December 23, 2012


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